Diary of a Wimpy Hobbit
by NotMarge
Summary: Alright, everyone knows how the Hobbit begins. Tolkien gives a good bit of Middle-Earth history and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah – takes up a good bit of the first chapter. Now, let's get something straight: This book isn't gonna be like that. That's the only reason I'm writing this dumb introduction anyway. Now that that's cleared up, let's get down to business. . .
1. Chapter 1

**This story adaptation was written by two of my third grade boys. All I've done is beta. Please read and review kindly to help these two creative young writers find their voices.**

* * *

We do not own The Hobbit.

Diary of a Wimpy Hobbit

by: B & B

Introduction

Alright, everyone knows how the Hobbit begins. Tolkien gives a good bit of Middle-Earth history and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah – takes up a good bit of the first chapter.

Now, let's get something straight: This book isn't gonna be like that. That's the only reason I'm writing this dumb introduction anyway. Now that that's cleared up, let's get down to business. . .

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Book 1 Chapter 1:

Alright, let's see. I remember the beautiful morning that I went on the quest to save a homeland and slay a dragon. I woke up least expecting that.

I sure wish they had a Chick-Fil-A drive-thru back then 'cause I was gonna need a good morning to prepare for that night.

Oh, yes, I forgot something. A wizard named, ah, what was it? I believe it was Gandalf, maybe Smandalf , I think. Well anyway, out of the blue, he showed up at my door. At first, I didn't know him. Then, it struck me.

Literally! A rock fell from the roof and struck me! But I did remember that he used to sell lousy fireworks. Then he asked me if I would go on a quest with him.

Then I fainted.

When I woke up, the first thing I said was never, never, ever, would I do _that_.

And then he left. But he left a mark on my door. A shrub, I think it was.

Later that night, I was about to sit down to dinner when ding-dong. I went to see who it was. It was a dwarf. Who ate my dinner! And just so you know, that special boiled fish was _not_ easy to cook.

Not I'm not going to write all that over and and over again until they're all there. So now they're all there, okay? And by the way, there are twelve of them. And that wizard, Smandolf, I think it was.

Here are their names: Fili, Kili, Gloin, Oin, Balin, Dwalin, Nori, Ori, Dori, Bifur, Bofur, and Bombur.

Before long, they had cleaned out the whole pantry! Even the cheese cubes!

And then they had a rambunctious party!

Then, ding-dong.

Another dwarf!

This one was different though. His name was Thorin. He didn't go and act crazy. He talked about a quest and me being it. Then they did tons of talk on that topic.

And oh! I almost forgot to tell you something. The most important thing, actually.

The story of Erebor. It was an amazing city with many miners. One day they found it. The heart of the mountain: the Arkenstone. Thror name it 'the king's jewel' and placed it above his throne.

The royal dwarven bloodline was Thror (the king), Thrain (his son), and Thorin. Thror loved gold dearly. But his love of gold became too fierce and strong alliances were broken. Slowly, the days turned sour and the watchful nights closed in.

The first thing they heard was like a hurricane snapping and bending the pines. Smaug, the dragon, had come. He destroyed the dale and made for the mountain. Smaug was not simply looking to kill but o drive them out of Erebor and to take their gold! (For a dragon will guard his plunder for as long as he lives.)

The Wood Elves came very close to helping them but Thrandruil wouldn't risk the lives of his kin. The dwarves were homeless. They took shelter where they could find it.

Well, let's just say they wished there were motels back then. They tried to make one last desperate attempt to reclaim Erebor.

But their enemy had gotten there first. The Orcs were there, led by Azog the Defiler.

A bloody battle raged on between the two groups. The dwarves were losing terribly when Azog beheaded the king! Thrain ran away in grief and was killed or captured.

Thorin, however, stood up to Azog and fought a rough battle. Thorin was weaponless and used an oaken branch as a shield. Thorin suddenly grabbed a sword and cut off his hand.

Azog realized the line of Durin would not so easily be broken. He died later of his wounds.

That is the story of Erebor.

In the end, I did it for what you and me know as a hundred dollars.

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**More to come . . .**


	2. Chapter 2

**This story adaptation was written by two of my third grade boys. All I've done is beta. Please read and review kindly to help these two creative young writers find their voices.**

* * *

We do not own The Hobbit.

Diary of a Wimpy Hobbit

by: B & B

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Book 1 Chapter 2:

We were on our way to Erebor!

I was going to have to get used to adventure life. The day was stormy and dark. By the time nightfall came, we were all exhausted. We camped at the remains of a house.

Smandalf (let's just call him that for now) advised us to go on to the High Elves palace to seek shelter. But as you know, Thorin thought differently. This enraged Smandalf. So he threw himself to the ground and spun around cursing Thorin repeatedly. Then he left to look ahead (and pout).

One of the dwarves cooked stew. I couldn't stand it and said it tasted like a used diaper. Fili and Kili were in charge of keeping an eye on the ponies. When I brought their food to them, I found out there were only fourteen left. There had been sixteen.

We saw a light in the distance. Fili and Kili told me to go see if I could get the ponies back. The light was a fire, lit by mountain trolls (who are very dumb).

I was caught almost immediately for burping on the stake-out! Just when it looked like it was over for me, the dwarves came to the almost rescue. They jabbed and chopped and slashed, but in the end they couldn't win.

The trolls argued how to cook them. I made small talk to skin the dwarves first but they disagreed. Then I said that they were very ill. The trolls asked how they came on the quest that if they were ill.

Then I lived up to the name of this book I was wimpy and just gave up. Then Smandalf tripped and rolled out the stones he was standing on and the trolls turned to stone! It was the light of dawn!

We realized there was a cave nearby. There we found elven swords, even a dagger for me. We also buried a small chest of gold coins. Then we set off again.

We had gotten a good ways when that wizard (oh, I just remembered his name, Gandalf) told us to move quickly. None of us questioned him (because we were scared he might go into a tizzy and slow us down). But we wondered why.

I caught a glimpse of something, a figure tall and white. It was an orc. We were running from orcs!

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**More to come . . .**

**Thanks to Vendelyn Silverhawk and ThorinKiliandFili4ever for your reviews. We really appreciate them!**


	3. Chapter 3

**This story adaptation was written by two of my third grade boys. All I've done is beta. Please read and review kindly to help these two creative young writers find their voices.**

* * *

We do not own The Hobbit.

Diary of a Wimpy Hobbit

by: B & B

* * *

Book 1 Chapter 3:

We ran until we were surrounded in a field. Kili shot an orc who made a loud noise, alerting the leader. Gandalf found a cave for us to hide in when . . . uhhhh . . .

The elves had come! They viciously destroyed the orcs! Their king, Elrond, was with them.

Then we made for their palace.

I don't think it was that grand. I thought that my hobbit hole was just as good. Sure, it was much bigger and had sculptures and fountains, but I could make my hobbit hole just as good. All I would need was a thousand short years.

We had a grand feast with divine foods. Almost as good as a Chick-Fil-A sandwich and waffle fries.

While Elrond and Gandalf made small talk, we stuffed our faces. Then we left because we got bored.

We were traveling in the dark when our mountain started walking! It was a stone giant! Then it threw a rock at another one! It was a stone giant battle!

Then we started crying for our mommies.

While we were crying, our giant was killed with one last blow to the head. Literally, its head took its last blow because it came off!

Well, that was enough for one night. So we camped out in a cave again.

I was setting off to go home like a wimp when the floor caved in and goblins came in! They took us captive to their king. The king was going to have us killed in the worst ways imaginable! Then Gandalf found us and helped us.

Oh, I almost forgot. I snuck past them. Then I ran into another goblin and had my first battle. We clashed and clanged until we both fell off the cliff. When I woke up, the goblin was being dragged away by a strange creature called Gollum. But the goblin was not dead. He was alive.

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**More to come . . .**


	4. Chapter 4

**This story adaptation was written by two of my third grade boys. All I've done is beta. Please read and review kindly to help these two creative young writers find their voices.**

* * *

We do not own The Hobbit.

Diary of a Wimpy Hobbit

by: B & B

* * *

Book 1 Chapter 4:

Gollum clubbed the goblin with a stone and he died. I was watching him eat it when I discovered a ring. I kept it, of course. Then he noticed me and I had to use my sword to keep him from eating me alive!

I told him that I needed to find my way out. I really wished that they had big, bright exit signs back then!

We finally made a deal. We would play "Rock, Paper, Scissors, Shoot". If I won, he would show me the way out and if he won, he would eat me whole! We did best out of ten.

The first time, I won. Then I won again. Then he won.

Well, it took a while, but the final score was: Gollum – five and Bilbo – five. Then we had to go to twenty. After that was over the score was: Gollum – seven and Bilbo – thirteen.

Then he got mad and threw a fit. After that, he accused me of cheating! I mean, what kinda guy cheats for something so little as his life?

Oh, and this was the best part. Then he tried to kill me!

When I put on that ring on, I disappeared! Then Gollum had a heart attack which isn't really surprising because he was always one of those people who are always on their last nerve.

I was pretty proud of myself for killing that horrid creature.

Now while I was doing that, those dwarves were escaping without me! But it wasn't easy. They had to kill many goblins and Gandalf even had a clash with the king. But in the end, he sliced open his stomach.

There was also this one time when they were on a piece of wood drifting from one side to another. Each time it picked up more goblins for the dwarves to fight. Eventually, they all jumped off and cut the ropes connecting it to the ceiling. Then they made for the woods (for goblins can't stand sunlight).

Now, let's get back to me. I found my own way out. Well, actually, it was the same way but you know what I mean. When I wasn't coming with them, Thorin thought I had taken my chance to go home and not stay true to my word.

Then, we saw them!

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**More to come . . .**


	5. Chapter 5

**This story adaptation was written by two of my third grade boys. All I've done is beta. Please read and review kindly to help these two creative young writers find their voices.**

We do not own The Hobbit.

Diary of a Wimpy Hobbit

by: B & B

* * *

Book 1 Chapter 5:

The orcs had finally caught up with us! Then it happened. I killed my first warg! Bam!

But there were too many. They drove us into the trees. They would uproot one, then we would jump to the next. Until we were down to the last tree. The branches snapped and cracked under our weight. Then Thorin climbed up his branch to where he could walk the trunk like a bridge.

He screamed as he ran towards Azog. Azog had the advantage! He was already on his white warg which is just as powerful and dangerous as another orc.

As soon as Thorin came close enough, the warg jumped off the rock it was standing on. And it kicked Thorin in the head! Thorin quickly got up and tried again, but Azog hit him in the face with his battle axe. Thorin collapsed on the ground!

Dwalin tried to go help Thorin but the branch he was on almost broke.

Then the warg started biting Thorin. I mean what kinda guy doesn't kill a guy but tortures him? That's just messed up. Then Azog told another orc to bring him Thorin's head.

That's where I came in. I walked the tree just like Thorin did and jumped-kicked the living daylights out of the orc! Ba-boosh!

Then I stabbed him of course, but let me just say I've never felt so alive ever after that!

Then the others joined in the fun until we were trapped again. Then, Gandalf called on the eagles and they came and saved us. They took us to their home where Gandalf healed Thorin.

When he woke up, he said I shouldn't have done what I did. He had said I didn't belong and now he said that he had never been so wrong in his life. I said it was cool with me and that I had truly doubted myself too.

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**More to come . . .**


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